It’s not often I stay up late enough to watch David Letterman on television, since he comes on at 12:30 a.m. and I’m usually dead-to-the-world long before.
Sometimes, however, I stay up later than usual (normally when I’m editing copy for Preaching), and I have a chance to catch the first few minutes of Letterman. That’s my favorite part — except maybe for stupid pet tricks — since that’s when he does his “Top Ten” list.
David’s “Top Ten” usually runs along the line of topics like “George Bush’s Top Ten Favorite Phrases” and things like that. Amazingly, I’ve never heard Dave do a single “Top Ten” list about preachers. (OK, maybe it was one of those nights when I didn’t watch, but that doesn’t count.)
In order to insure appropriate balance — and to find some way to make this column fit the season of the year, since folks expect that sort of thing — I’d like to suggest the following “Top Ten Gifts Preachers Love to Receive.”
10. Two extra hours in every day. (Christmas is the season for miracles, isn’t it?)
9. A new computer program that corrects grammar, points out logical inconsistencies, and never lets me wipe out my manuscript by accident.
8. A federal law outlawing use of fruitcake as a gift.
7. Three weeks when no one is in the hospital, no one dies, and not a single church member decides to have a big wedding.
6. A new secretary who writes great sermons — and knows how to keep a secret.
5. A two-year subscription to Preaching. (Oh, all right, I know that isn’t very funny — but what a wonderful thought!)
4. New watches for all the deacons — that always run ten minutes slow.
3. A letter from my former seminary offering to send me money.
2. A new Budget Committee chairman who suggests, “Isn’t our pastor about due for a really big salary increase?”
1. A new sound system that makes any preacher sound like James Earl Jones. (I’d be willing to pay big bucks for that one myself!)
