Dieting is a lot easier when you factor in recently determined calorie-counting principles. The following are calories that don’t count:
CUSTOM-MADE FOOD: Anything somebody made just for you must be eaten regardless of the calories because to do otherwise would be rude. Don’t worry, because the calories don’t count.
FOOD EATEN QUICKLY: If you are rushed through a meal, the entire meal doesn’t count. Conversely, if you have ordered something fattening and now regret it, you can minimize its calories by gulping it down.
OTHER PEOPLE’S FOOD: A chocolate mousse that you did not order has no calories. Therefore, have your companion order dessert, and you taste half of it.
INGREDIENTS IN COOKING: Chocolate chips are fattening. So are chocolate chip cookies! However, chocolate chips eaten while making chocolate chip cookies have no calories whatsoever. Therefore, make chocolate chip cookies often, but don’t eat them.
LEFTOVERS: An extra hamburger, a hotdog bun, half a Twinkie, anything intended for the garbage has no calories regardless of what happens to it in the kitchen.
TV FOOD: Anything eaten in front of a TV has no calories. This may have something to do with the radiation leakage, which negates not only the calories in the food but also all recollection of having eaten it. In fact, entire no-calories dinners are now manufactured and frozen for this purpose.
ANYTHING SMALLER THAN 1 INCH: contains no calories to speak of; for example, Hershey Kisses, cubes of cheese, or maraschino cherries.
CHILDREN’S FOOD: Anything purchased, produced or intended for minors is calorie-free when eaten by adults. This category covers a wide range, beginning with a spoonful of baby tapioca—consumed for demonstration purposes—up to and including cookies baked and sent to college.
CHARITABLE FOODS: Girl Scout cookies, bake-sale cookies, ice cream socials, and church strawberry festivals all have a religious dispensation from calories. I heard this last Sunday.
LEFT-HANDED FOOD: If you have a drink in your right hand, anything eaten with the other hand has no calories.
AND LAST, FOOD ON FOOT: All food eaten while standing has no calories. Exactly why is not clear, but the current theory relates to gravity. The calories apparently bypass the stomach, flowing directly down the legs and through the soles of the feet into the floor. Walking seems to accelerate this process, so that a frozen custard or hotdog eaten at a carnival actually has a calorie deficit. (Pastor Tim’s CleanLaugh List)
