A federal judge recently ruled that the US government is being discriminatory toward blind people by printing all currency with the same feel, size and shape.

Although I am sensitive to the situation – my mother’s eyesight has deteriorated to the point where she is considered legally blind – at first blush it still seemed to me to be a case of political correctness run amok. But then I read that of the 180 countries that issue paper currency, the US is the only one that prints all denominations of bills in the same size and color. So maybe we’re just catching up on this one.

These days there are all kinds of tools and resources to help people with limitations – adapted cars to allow wheelchair-bound people to drive, devices to help the visually-impaired read, and so on. Those are all wonderful aids to assist folks who can use some help.

But there is one group that has been forgotten in all this: I’m talking about the homiletically-challenged. Yes, those pastors who can’t preach their way out of a paper bag. Try as they might, they can’t put together three points to make a point anyone can understand. They try to tell clever stories, but they can never remember the punchline on Sunday morning at 11:45 am.

So as a service to this oft-forgotten minority of the preaching fraternity, I’d like to encourage the clever inventors out there to hit the labs and work on some tools to help this worthy group. For example, why can’t we have

The Illustrator 3000. Always stumped for a useable illustration that actually fits the point you’re trying to make? Don’t waste time with that book of 100,001 Snappy Sermon Illustrations! Use the Illustrator 3000! Just type in the point you are trying to make in your sermon, and the Illustrator 3000 will spit out three or four ideal stories to make your point with style.

What’s that you say? You don’t know what the point of your sermon should be? Well, then turn to the

PointMaster Plus. Just tell the PointMaster Plus what your Bible text is, and those microchips start blazing – moments later, you’ll find yourself with a Big Idea worthy of Haddon Robinson himself, complete with a clear, alliterated outline of three cleverly-phrased major points. (Choose the optional John MacArthur module for expository sermons or the Rick Warren module for topical messages; a Joel Osteen Preaching Lite module will be available soon.) Need a poem for the end of your sermon? The Poemizer Plus is a handy add-in feature available for a modest additional fee.

What’s that you say? You aren’t sure what Bible verse you should use as a basis for your sermon? Well then, friend, you need your very own, new and improved

Textalizer II. Why spend all that time in Bible study when the Textalizer II will do the work for you? Operates on Manual mode – you give it a theme and the Textalizer II will choose a text – or Automatic mode – you do nothing and the Textalizer II makes the text selection for you!

Now, turning to the lay leaders of the church . . .

Are you tired of a pastor who can’t develop sermons, find illustrations, or even spend enough time in the Word to choose his own texts? Then your church is ready for

RoboPreacher 2010. The all-new automated preaching machine. Why pay for salaries, housing allowance and all that hair spray when you can let the RoboPreacher proclaim the Word all day long for pennies a day! (Batteries not included.)

Have your credit card ready. Operators are standing by.

 

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Michael Duduit is Editor of Preaching magazine. You can write to him at michael@preaching.com, or visit his website at www.michaelduduit.com.

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