Given that this past Sunday was Mother’s Day and Father’s Day is around the corner, it seems appropriate to offer these definitions used by experienced parents:
AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have kids again.
DEFENSE: what you’d better have around the yard if you’re going to let the children play outside.
DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins.
DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when a baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you’re mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are perfect even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a bad word.
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
LOOK OUT!: what it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
OWWW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.
STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.
TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into “Get a mop.”