Here are some actual “gems” from church bulletins:

1. Don’t let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
2. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8. Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing Put Me In My Little Bed accompanied by the pastor.
9. Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
11. The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12. Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
16. Weight Watchers will meet at 7PM at the First Baptist Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
17. The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
18. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
19. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
20. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
21. The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
22. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing for the girth of their first child.
23. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
24. The Lutheran Men’s group will meet at 6PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
25. The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.”

-Submitted by Margaret Dues, printed in Preaching magazine November/December 1998

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